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Here it is, ladies: my second attempt at Haldir's diary. The first one was better, but the virus ate it! *cries*
I hope you still like it. Apologies to anyone who feels offended. Haldir doesn't belong to me, he belongs to Tolkien and in here, to Varie
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The Very Secret Diary of Haldir of the Golden Wood
Rate G
Day 1:
Have been sent away with bros. to keep borders of Northern Lothlorien save. So unfair, since I heard that Lord Celeborn is planning party. So typical that he does that when we're away.
Don't want to see Rumil drunk again, tho. Was no pretty sight.
Later: News from Lord and Lady. Say some group called Fellowship of the Ring will be entering woods soon. Are on important mission. Shall let them pass. Fine by me, but not unless we have scared their pants off. Will be fun.
Day 2:
Orphie and Rumil all hysterical about fellowship. Keep asking me lots of questions about what's so special about these guys. Do they think I am the information desk? Told them to go and ask Lord or Lady (didn't want to admit that I had no clue about their specialness). Suppose they're traders or guests for Lord Celeborn's party. Perhaps the male strippers?
Day 3:
Orphie discovered fellowship entering golden wood. Spied on them. Is one dwarf, two men and a bunch of small dudes. Orphie says, Lord and/or Lady pervy kids fancier. Didn't tell him kids were no kids but Hobbits. Am getting tired of being accused to be a know-it-all.
Later:
Was thinking. Lord Celeborn a pervy Hobbit fancier? Would explain why it has been very quiet in lordly bed chamber since the second age. Poor Lady Galadriel. Think I'll ask her out sometimes, is still hot chick. Must be careful tho. Varie will kill me if she finds out.
Day 4:
Fellowship approaching. Sneaked up on them and at my sign, bros. jumped out from behind trees and scared their pants off. Had to wait behind shrubbery for a few more seconds, because was laughing my ass off. In fact, laughed so hard I hit myself. Made really cool entrance after that and got to bitch on dwarf. Go me!
Realized that one of the men is Elrond`s foster kid, Aragorn of many names. Guy so funny, still thinks he is going to be king. Wonder if Elrond has found out by now that dirty man is hitting on his precious daughter.
N-E-ways, dirty wannabe king got all whiny and begged me for our protection. Gave him arrogant look and turned around to let him see how nicely my awesome hair blows in the wind. So unlike his.
(Note to self: invest in "Arrogant Looks 3 - Lections for the Advanced")
Orphie and Rumil all amazed that "kids" are actually Hobbits. Were very embarrassed. Am laughing so hard now, hahahahaha.
Later:
Orcs came running through Lothlorien. Were chasing fellowship. Orphie, Rumil and I hunted them down. Were victorious as usual, thanks to my great archer skills. Told Orophin but only received nasty look. Suspect the fella thinks he's better than me. Hmph. Did he forget who won first prize in archer contest of Mirkwood and Lóthlorien? After all, have trophy to prove it!
Day 5:
Sent out Orphie to warn ppl about approaching Orcs. Gave me pouty look. Told him that he is fastest runner, but think he did't buy it. Am still marchwarden of the Galadhrim, he better learn to follow my orders or I'll have to tell Lord and Lady.
In other news: Hobbits rather cute, can see why Lord and Lady invited them. Legolas annoying, tho. Thinks he's prettiest blonde. Will have to show him who is real Mr Golden Wood!
Day 6:
Orophin and Rumil returned to patrol duty. Took Calaglin along. I hope they don't make fun of him again, he is upset too easily.
Order from Elf-Body-Shop finally arrived. Got my new brush and body lotion. Strawberry bath foam was out of stock. Bummer. Suspect Elrond has ordered all they had.On plus side, got to test new lipbalm with various flavors. Think I'll keep the Kiwi one. Tastes good and gives my lips sexy arrogant shine. Go me!
Later: Grrr! New Decipher Trading Card Game missing! Suspect Orphie has nicked it as a revenge for being sent to borders again. I'll so get him for that!
Day 7:
Spied on Lady Galadriel taking Frodo for a walk. Suspected Lady now into Hobbits too, but was mistaken. Only showed him her fountain and let him look into it. Hobbit offered her something. Couldn't see what it was, but must have been something naughty, because Lady suddenly turned all green. Stupid Hobbit. Everybody knows Lady likes tall men.
Day 8:
Fellowship left today. Got gifts from Lord and Lady, obviously they're happy that dudes are leaving. Suspect Gimli has the hots for Lady now, almost fell on his face when he bowed in front of her.
Bros. returned from borders again. Provided fellowship with boats and thought it funny to place Legolas next to Gimli in boat. Waited for them to fight, but arrangement turned out to be not so funny at all because dwarf very quiet because of crush for Lady and Legolas tired from... I think I do not want to know.
Day 9:
Have seen female wearing T-shirt with my name on it. Couldn't make out small writing on bottom, tho. Didn't want to start rumours by looking too closely on shirtbearer's chest.
Must check that out sometimes. Perhaps Varie knows something I don't?
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